Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Bullets and Halloween !!

My people, I no say some people where dey come this my blog dey come with bullet proof...because as I just dey review this my blog, I just dey discover so many grammatical be say I wan kill persin just be say I no dey fit review my posts since no be Jamb una no vex o...if anybody need bullet proof vest, make u send me email..I go send am no wan make anybody die for my blog o...and if you no wan wear bullet proof, I go teach you how to dodge o..I be professional...I don dodge better bullets for this my life, no be small..infact, I even surprise say I still dey kampe considering the kain bullets and atomic bombs where i don if you need coaching, holla at me...u go pay sha.

On another note, today's halloween and kids are out "trick or treating". I didn't realize we had so many little kids in NYC until, they are sooo much...and then I remembered I didn't buy any candies..damm..if these children come knocking on my door and I have no candies, they could all gang up and mob'm not going to let that happen..anyway, I don't think that would be a problem, I have some will be handing out plantains in lieu of candies they won't get too pissed off...afterall giving plantains is better than giving hear noises and a knock on my neighbours door, i think they are i go to handout out !!

WARNING: I no get time review this post, if you no wear your bullet proof....make you dey careful o..i no fit shout..ah, dem don come..I don go!! Happy halloween to all !!

Monday, October 29, 2007

Lost forever

In the news today reporting from NYC, I saw a young man riding (well, trying to) a bike and I couldn’t help but smile….and when I could hold it anymore, I began to laugh…lol…as the man struggled to control the bike affectively. It was such a funny sight since it reminded me so much of myself. During my grad school days, I had a Spanish room mate (who was always referred to as the “fat hairy Spanish guy”, and who’s still one of my best friends….it was a sight seeing him on a bike…lol..Imagine a fat guy all hunched up on a bike, trying to maneuver the bike with ease, etc…lol…it was “sometimes” a really funny sight… of those “wonders shall never end”..

Anyway, back to my story, so you know, just coming from naija where I had my own car and all that…I couldn’t imagine stepping…that was what it seemed like then - to a bicycle- keke – igwe..ah!, no be me o…lol…man, as a las giddy boy..the only people I could remember using bikes constantly were the palm wine when my eye clear, I realized that using a bike was the most convenient thing for me since school and most stores were a few blocks away and most grad. students then all had a bike – it was like a grad student cult thing…lol…with your bag strapped to your side, filled up with books and going to your lab late at night when most students were going home to rest – that was your identity, and if you were not social – that was your life as well…lol..but not me sha – I dey crash parties well well…lol

So anyway sha, in naija I stopped riding a bike when I was 12 or something…and I stopped because of an event that I’ll never forget. You see, my father never allowed us to ride a bike in the city…lol…d man dey fear make all those danfo driver no go kill im pikins after all the money…so we were only allowed to ride when we traveled to the villa (abi na country side, as I dey take describe am for…so as kids, it was one of those things we eagerly looked forward to at Christmas – apart from all the excess food…lol. So on this day, as was usual in the villa, I was riding a bike with my brothers and cousins in tow when suddenly, feeling a rush of adrenaline and whatever else…maybe it was the devil…I decided to cycle faster…and without realizing it. I found myself descending down a hill at about 160mph…lol...seriously, I no lie, I was going that fact….man, and I was screaming so loud that I think God must have heard my voice in heaven…my legs could not help me slow down at the speed. Good thing I was sane enough to realize that using the brakes were not the best option…I would have been catapulted from the bike…I honestly believe I went to heaven and came…it was so scary…and what happened next…hmmm.. I don’t know where the wisdom to do that came from at that time.

I looked down the road and realized that if I get to the bottom of hill, I was probably going to end up with broken legs/arms or maybe much worse…that was when I realized that I could crash…yea, practically crash…lol…into the high shrubs, bushes, plants whatever you call it…..on the sides of the road…and that was exactly what I did…I rode my bike, which had become a super jet at that time, into the shrubs and it reduced my speed and I finally stopped… of course, not without some bruises though…lol...but I was alive, and that was what mattered ! After that day…no more for me, I called it quits…that was the end of my bike riding experience, until I became a grad student in the US.

So you can imagine my trepidation (make I blow small when I got to grad school in Pennsylvania and realized I could save a lot more money if I got a bike for my local transport…and maybe help the environment as well…hmm…it was a tough decision Man, initially it was like “me ke, a naija man…how I go reach yankee come dey use way”…which kain tin be dat...infact when I tell my naija friends and brothers na so dem dey laugh me, dey yab me…call me baba suwe !! Man, after I get the bike sha…within a week, my riding skills don come back…no more unnecessary stunts…hahah….infact e remain small, I for don go contest for “Tour de France” with Lance Armstrong dem….na my papa dem come dey beg…. But it was actually a good exercise, cos I began to enjoy th experience especially as I had a good bike…but I had to discard the riding after all the girls began complaining that they never could talk to me…lol…since I apparently spent a lot of time breezing past people and never stopping to chat with them…lol…so in the interest of decided to cut down on the bike riding…lol….dat na lie sha( wink, wink)…and finally, my dear bike was stolen. It took me everywhere – class, parties, grocery stores, bank, etc – the only place it didn’t take me to was on a date, lol - I miss my bike, my partner…wherever you’re, I want you to know that I loved you…anyway sha, I don already swear for who nab dat my bike…lol…

On a different note, did anyone watch the program “How to catch a con man” on NBC last night…man, all the con men that were shown on TV were all naijas in the UK…wich level now, wetin dey happen …infact all of dem na ibo men…sold out by their “okoro” waoh…it was really hilarious seeing them twitching and fumbling when they realized they were on TV…and their faces would be broadcast to the whole world.

Anyway, sha…make I go back to work..make my oga no come catch me here…abi una wan make I go follow dem do yahoo-yahoo…peace out folks !!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Marriage fever in town.

My people, wetin dey happen for naija...abi this na world wide virus. Everytime i dey chat with my friends especially the ones for so so "which time u go marry be the question dem go dey ask me"..ah waoh..wetin so person dey take marry. Just becos persin finish school, come dey work na wife be the next thing...i don tire o. If to say persin don ck old age..ehen...then discussion...which kain tin be this.

I just dey wonder whether dat na the new measure of social status...abi na which kain tin be dat one. Dem go dey point out all the people where don be persin where start first dey finish first...dat is if destination dey inside marriage..i don wish dem good luck and give them my waoh... Man,I come dey think of wetin some naija women dey go thru if dem neva marry...papa go call...mama go call..everybody go dey call the poor girl say make she go, women dey try o...cos all these few harassments don tire me ...not to talk of women and dat one na from all angles. Chikena...make una free me. Persin where wan go marry make e go, i go do am without any pressures...

If the persin wan become baba ibeji wahala, na your wife. Abeg, make this marriage fever no grip me, because I go vex for persin. No be say persin go settle down when im don old finish, but na at the right time.

On anoda note, i hear say american visa lottery don come out make every where wan come america go apply...i don tell my brother say I don tire for dat visa since 1988 na im my people don dey apply yet no body close to me don win...which kain tin be dat so we take get bad luck....ah ah...right from the days before internet na m we don dey sha, i know say people dey good luck to everyone.

Anyway sha, my people how una dey..hope say every dey kampe !! Make una get a good week without any "go marry" Abeg, if you sabi any better place to chill out for Vancouver canada, abeg make u holla me..i need to know the right places to check out when i enter dat side...i go tell una about my doctor's (abi na veterinary's) visit last week, dat one na anoda funny tory...the kain tins where my eye don see...peace out folks !!

Saturday, October 20, 2007


Pals, last night I saw things that I hope never to see again....infact two disturbing trends. If you remember my post on "Everyday porn" a couple of months back, then I must report back that conditions are really degenerating at an alarming rate that might require legislation to curtail this, enough of all this big Here's what happened. Friday night, I hopped on the train on my way back to Manhattan...the car is not so filled up....just me sitting opposite a girl and a couple sitting close to her. The train is moving and I'm looking at my wrist watch and hoping the damm train would move faster so I can meet up with my friends....and what would happen when you want the train to move fastest?...the train infront of ours breaks down and we're trapped in the tunnel for about 20 mins without moving...hmm, reminded me of traffic in las Man, things begin to get out of hand at that point..the couple - the guy and the girl - began making out...I mean real making smooching, open lips, you could actually see the vapor, I was honestly sweating at the sweating from the heat in the train, but sweating from what I was looking at...LIVE !!..and to cap it all..I overheard the guy telling the girl that they should move to the back of the !! Back train ke...dis people don craze o...which kain back of train..wetin wan happen for wasn't funny in any way....they weren't content with just making out in the full glare of also noticed the girl sitting opposite me twitching...hahahah....that was so hilarious....and my prayers were answered soon enough..the train began moving and I got out of are really getting out of hand o...i don talk am o...make we make law...infact the one I saw that same night confirmed my fears..

Anyway, the more serious issue where I see that same night na Man-to-man action LIVE !!! Dis one no be pay-per-view...dis na free-for-all. I'm standing at the subway station with my friends waiting for the train and these two men walk down the platform...and before you even talk Jack, they began kissing, smooching and all...geez. I don't have anything against gay people...but man, that wasn't a good sight for me...I couldn't even If I did..the image would remain in my mind for a long time and e fit even affect my performance in future..u know wetin I mean, things are really getting serious on these subway was really a very exciting night...especially after you've had a few drinks and experince all these..wetin dey happen o !!...Olorun, e gba wa o !! Peace out !!

Peace out folks...have a great weekend y'all.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Close to death

While watching TV tonight, I stumbled on this station where a doctor was shown performing a surgery and it reminded me of how many times I've been under the knife - twice- no be say e plenty like that o - lol.

First time, I went in for surgery was when in 99 in Abeokuta. You see I had this small keloid (I hope that's how its spelt) on my back that I was born with and I had accepted as part of me. We went to this hospital - Mercy hospital, in Abeokuta - I'm sure some of you probably know the hospital cos its supposed to be one of the best and biggest there. The doctor took a look at it and was like, "ah, no problem, I can take care of's very easy", I looked at my dad and he looked at me and asked me if I wanted to do it since there are chances it could grow back and perhaps even BIGGER !! Man, that was a very tricky decision, but after much debate and thinking over the next couple of weeks, I decided to do it..yea, become a bit more perfect - wrong was I. Well, the doctor promised to give me steroid injections to suppress the growth of the keloid, which sounded like it might help. went into the surgery, by the time the doctor sliced my back..omo, I felt the pain o...geez, it wasn't a good experience.

Anyway, the surgery went well and I was discharged while the part I was operated on was put in bandages. Na so i go back to lagos go dey chill. A week after, I went back to the hospital....and as is common in Nigeria, the nurse removed the stiches...without actually checking if it was alright to remove it, just because it's common to remove stitches after a, that woman almost killed Mr Fine boy o...ah ah..imagine what the loss would have been to the world, how much more the

Anyway sha, na im i go back to Lagos go chill. After a couple of days, the wound got infected !! ....i have no idea how that happened...but apparently some virus, bacteria or whatever got into it..and man, the wound started smelling really really bad...I was a working I went back to see the doctor again, and after waiting for some hourse, I finally saw the doctor. The doctor opened the wound..and the man screamed..when i say screamed, I mean this man im i look the man face, omo, i don die be dat...e remain small i for don dey cry already....Mo gbe o, mo ti ku o, chineke nna biko so I come dey beg God o...infact, I expected the next words from the doctors mouth to be " Dude, I'm sorry but you only have 24 hrs to live, so go back to lagos and finish your business and prepare for death"...ah, na to go write my, na only my shirts and trozees(lol) i been get that time sha...i go fit will am go give salvation army, i fit even chuk woman born pikin for that 24 hrs sef, make my name no lost- how you check am now, then I go do some kain things where I go like do, then finally I go go church go necessarily in that order, but man, i gats die inside church, or on top my bed alone...God forbid person die on top

But seriously, what type of doctor should even does that (screaming infront of your patient ), and the man should have known with his years of, na so the doctor summon the nurse, call the lab to begin to run, afraid grip me well tay I dey sweat reach my never born pikin sha, the man was really annoyed with the nurse, I was IMMEDIATELY readmitted into the hospital...and after a few days on antibiotics, he felt it was ok to go back to the theatre.

Yea, I went back a second time !! and it was stitched up again. Man, this time, i tell dem say make dem leave that stitches for atleast 1 month no fit shout o. At the end of the day, the keloid still came back, and a little bit bigger than it was initially..but I thank God, it didn't grow to something astronomical or even noticeable. Man, I actually thought I had come to the end of my life then when that doctor screamed and everything became an come dey think of everything where I go girlfriend most the money where I wan make..chei, chineke biko, abasi mbok, na so I dey beg God that all

Second time where I go surgery, na the same mistake again..i just tire for nigerian doctors that time..dem remove the stitches early again...and the wound never heal....but this time, it was not infected...but I had to go back to the theatre o - two surgeries, four visits to the operating room. And the thing where vex me pass be say dem do the surgery near my "thing" so all these small residents for hospital go dey see my, e no easy initially...after some time, i no just send. Infact, e get one day where the doctor and the residents just enter my room for hospital, as dem just enter na im I don comot my cloth im the doctor, say " need for that today" don become exhibitionist I no fit come follow any of those fine medical chicks dem don see my thing finish, use am play sef....who even know whether dem dey discuss my "thing" i hope say e compare for scale sha..hahahahh

Peace out folks, make I go sleep...i get meeting at 8:30 tomorrow.....why person go schedule meeting for that kain time sef...i know say i go dey sleep inside dat meeting...stay cool buddies

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Life in the city

Today I was having lunch with a friend of mine from work and we had a very interesting conversation as such:

Me: (while chewing meat): Dude, I don't think we humans should eat meat, I think its completely wrong and doesn't go with human advancement.

Him: ummh,I don't think so, eating meat has to do with the inborn instincts, after all we're animals and a lot of animals eat meat

Me: Yes, thats completely true, but we're supposed to be higher animals and should avoid blood as much as possible. We should differentiate

Him: Yes, thats true, but like I told you we're still animals, no matter what. Even if you train a lion to eat vegetables, the day it tastes blood it will definitely go after its owner irrespective of love (lol)..thats the way it's born. it's in the blood.

Me: But don't you think that with the level of maturity of man, we should be more of vegetarians. Remember the early men did a lot of hunting and ate a lot of probably uncooked meat before he discovered how to cook meat thoroughly and avoid the blood, but nowadays you find people ordering for medium rare steak, etc; which comes half cooked with the blood dripping and people are cuting, slicing and chewing (lol) its normal...dude that absolutely not normal.

He looked at me, and smilling sheepishly continued

Him: Dude, your point makes a lot of sense now. Well what do you expect, even men have started "eating" women (lol)..I'm pretty sure the early man didn't do

For a brief moment, I didn't understand what he meant, then I caught it and burst into laughter....only for me to notice that the girls sitting on the next table were all laughing as well

Me: So what do women do, since they obviously can't "eat" men?

Him: Laughing out loud...they suck'em dry...Lol..hilarious !!

Reminds me of when I heard a girl describing to her two gay friends and a girl friend of hers how her boy friend gave her a "Pearl necklace" which she said in a conniving tone and obviously couldn't be translated literally....and I'm sitting on the adjacent table and I'm wondering what the hell that good enough, her girl doesn't know what it means and everyone else at the table is laughing at her for not knowing the meaning ....and her friend finally explains to her what it means.

Guess what this girl said after the explanation, you'd expect her to nod her head and say understood. No, the girl actually shouted with a wave of her hand "Oh is that what it means...I get that all the time", I had to turn round to put a face to that !! Things you see and hear in nyc don't marvel me any more. If you don't know what "Pearl necklace " means..go find might just have experienced it without knowing what its out folks !!!

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Playing the field

The good thing about friday nights in NYC is that you go out without plans but at the end of the night (or the early morning), you've gone the length and breadth of the city. Yes, that was precisely me last night. I'm so used to not making plans in advance since I'm so used to going with the flow and its so much more fun that way when the nights brings unexpected things. So it's almost 5.00pm on friday, and I realized that for the past couple of weekends, I haven't been out. So I pick up the phone, make two phone calls to two very dependable friends who'd always light up the night no matter how dark/late it, they are both very crazy friends. With a couple of friends from work, we decided to head down to a place called "Players" in Korea town in nyc. It's so suprising how you get to 32nd str/Broadway and all you have is Koreans, and then you get to the other side and it becomes a mixed population. Man, Players lounge was awesome, definitely a place to check out. We got a few drinks, had some spicy octopus octopus no big like the one for tv... From there, we moved to down to play some pool at this place called players II. It's one of those places thats too cool that it seems really sketchy. All pool tables, and no alcohol....who does that in nyc....and how much do they make from just pools to pay the rent..there has to be some thing under the tables, but I was content with playing pool and getting out of there; and after spending some time there, it was time to finally begin the was midnight.

From there, we moved down to a hotel in one of nyc's choicest areas (Chelsea) where one of our friends works at and where they have a really nice bar/nite club. It feels so good to be while the mortals were in a long line trying to get into the club..we were ushered in immediately like superstars into the, did that feel good. Now I know how Paris Hilton and the rest of them feel like...seems I'm going to quit my job and go into something more kidding. So we get in to the club and the entire place is filled with half naked women and drunken men try to grope them..geez, I sure was in the right place, time to put on my tiger skin...and

I couldn't help imagining how the scantily clad girls in that club got there inspite of how cold it was outside, but when I pointed that out to my friend..he looked at me, and asked me if I was complaining about that..ummh, well, I shouldn't So we get a couple of drinks (on the house of course) and then it was time to roll. With so many women to choose from, it was difficult (atleast for me), to make a choice. I didn't want to settle for any 6/10, it had to be atleast 9/10; and no matter which, it had to be done finally we start with some cute asian girls that seemed to need some how cold it might get on their way home. I have long discovered that in a place like a club where it's so noisy, there's absolutely no need bothering to make conversations, unlike my friend who tried to do that and lost his voice by the time we left the All I asked was her name and what does she do...and I must confess that I wasn't even interested in her answers cos my ear drums were already bursting...all I wanted was to dance, etc (PG rated).

It still feels weird to me how you start dancing with a girl in frat parties, clubs, etc, and the next minute you are doing things that would make the show be classified as PG I danced with her for aboout 30 mins, and after doing....sorry, dancing, as much as I wanted was time to move on ; so I feigned being tired and left her. I moved to a different side, and from there, I observed my next like an eagle observing its prey...or more like a tiger crouching before attacking its prey. I sighted a black cute chick, and decided that was my next dance partner, moved close to her, and I was in. Started dancing..and all...and I couldn't help smiling remembering why I'm called the "Crazy nigerian", or "god" by a different story since I don't want to digress.

So I'm dancing with this girl for 30 mins and doing all the crazy steps that I'm known for, etc, without having spoken a that crazy. After 45 mins. because she could dance really well, and I was sort of feeling her as well , I decided to ask her name. "Kofo's my name", Kofe ke, I, that calls for more investigation...I decided to break my first law of not making too many conversations, so I took her to a less noisy section for a little UN security council meeting was very positive, unlike the russian/american lets see, lol.

After dancing a bit more with her and a few others, it was time to leave. Then suddenly I noticed that one of my friends was about to get into a fracas with some other guys...i rushed down there to give him cover, what was it about..some disputed territorial interference...I no fit shout o. I remembered a friend that was shot In texas, and as we no get power for that kain thing, na im I try cool everything down, but apparently one of my friends that we left behind at the club had some problems with them again after we left, and he said they had a rod in thier dem break my head for there, wetin dem go tell my papa and o.

By the time we left the club, it was 4;45am, and I knew I had to get home before sunrise..the sun must not rise while I'm still awake else I'm completely I rushed down to the train station with other friends...get on the train..switch trains..fall asleep on the was really hilarious, and woke up just before the last stop for the train.... when I opened my eyes, all the people in train were all gone and it was just a few people left, but I was consoled to find out there ware others who had fallen asleep and must have missed their stop as well and were still sleeping soundly when I left the, I got a train to take me back and this time I stayed awake the entire time. Got home at 6:10 am, and hit the bed immediately. I woke up at a night !! But it was good..exciting...and another night awaits..tonight.