Goodbye

Goodbye June..Welcome July. Bring good tidings.

Laughs

I get this random emails from a friend, A, with so many funny messages, some of which can be very annoying especially the messages that say "Forward this email or YOU DIE "!!(No..they die !!! ); others are "sort of" funny and the rest, just plain stupid. I remember when I was job hunting and the first thing I did every morning was to check my email for updates on my job applications. I log onto my yahoo messenger, and its beeps "You have seven new messages"!!.

My heart begins to beat really loud, and I'm wondering if it's the companies I've been expecting their emails and I access my email account and there are a gazillion messages from A , priceline informing me of new ideals, yahoo mail services, sun java, and other unneeded messages in my life at that time. I'm screaming at the top of my voice, in my mind of course, lest my house mate thinks I've gone crazy. It was always so annoying !! I always had to do my best not to curse her out, or even place a spell on her or her computer or her hands, or the chair she sits on to send these messages or just anything I could swing my wand at. You know where I come from, you can place a spell on someone...lol..and I think I have such powers, though I'm yet to test them..lol..But seriously, let no one dare me, else I'd use him/her/himher(for those that may have undergone a sex change) as my guinea pig. HAHAHAHAHA, thats sounds like the bad guys laughter and I'm supposed to be the good guy...No..used to...Wait a sec, yes, I'm still with the good guys atleast from the last time I checked...lol... , ummh, too much Harry Potter books.

Anyway, I got this email from A which I think is one of the good ones and funny, just like the other ones here that have all come from her. So here it goes, and I hope it puts a smile on someone's face, although it took me a second to figure out,

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Mrs. Jenkins comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives witha female roommate Vikki... During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice howpretty Anthony's roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of arelationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interacts, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?""Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat downand wrote:

Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama,which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying thatyou 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl I put there bynow.

Love,
Mama.

Lesson of the day ..... Mothers would always be wiser !!!
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Perhaps now you'd see why it took me a second to figure it out. But shame on Anthony for indirectly accusing his mother of stealing his bowl...but wait a second....ummh...this is really weird...What does he and his housemate/partner/bed buddies/whatever use the silver sugar bowl for, other than eating that they couldn't get a new one.....Umm.. Food for thought. I'm off to think about that, new discoveries abound.

Apartment hunting.

Getting an apartment in a place like NYC is so much headache. Not only do I have to be very careful about where I live, so I don't move in to a neighbourhood and realize that its the distribution center for drugs or some other crazy s**t, it's just soooo absudly expensive. All the lovely places I have seen are between 1300-1500 dollars for a 1-br apartment, and yet I don't know why I'm supposed to pay such an amount for a 1-br apt . People are advised not to spend more than 33% of their monthly income on rent, and I'm trying to stay below that percentage or maybe that exact percentage if necessary. I remember telling my father about the amount it would cost me to get an apartment- a 1BR apt- and he seemed momentarily stunned when I told him it was just for a month...lol. It's so ridiculous how much these apartments go for, ummh..I guess the presumption is that all New Yorkers must be well paid...and there is no f**king space left in that city.

Second option, get a house mate. Not likely. After my experience with my Sri Lankan house mate, living with a house mate doesn't seem like an option I would consider...anyway sha, make condition no make crayfish bend, because me I no go bend. I have completely ruled that option out. I had a room mate all through my undergrad. days at UNIBEN and my postgraduate days, and I think its time for me to step up my game..lol. Yes, I need to step up my game and enjoy the peace of having my OWN space and setting it up the way I like. I'll make a few calls, schedule appointments and hope for the best. Someone with definitely fall for my charming smile..lol..and give me a good deal on an apartment. The most annoying part is that all the apartments that have everything I want- dishwasher, laundary in apartment, carpets- no hard wood floors(too cold), fairly large room, close to the subway, good neighbourhood, etc are all quite expensive. Ummh..I do hope I don't get to spend all my salary on rent in NYC. Geez, I wish I could move my present $500 2-br apartment to the city..lol...ummh..that would be so cool. Anyway, I'm hoping to get a cozy place where I can call home, atleast for some time...hope they have a pent house waiting for me..lol. Let the hunting begin !! Wish me luck....I need it.

Wife and Maid

I got this mail from a friend today, and it was so funny I had to share !!

Wife and Maid

A housewife, realising that the housemaid had started behaving funny, decidedto engage her one morning.

Madam: "Chinyere why you don begin dey behave anyhow these days? E be likesay u no wan know ya mate for this house again o! Face no dey fear face forya village?"Abi you don carry craze for head?Chinyere responded immediately: "Look at you, you call yourselfMadam.......which kind wife wey u be? Afterall my food dey sweet pass urown...."

Madam: "Ehn!!!!! Who told you that you cook better than i do?"Chinyere: "Na Oga now......."Madam: "Lord have mercy!!! Papa Nkechi........??!!!!!!!!???? you will come and meet me in this house today...Na war between me and am today. Ohoooo nowonder........ I don dey suspect this thing since......."Chinyere: "No be all be that o....., I even better pass you for bed..."

Madam: "Yeepa..!!!!!!!!!.... I'm finished!!! So... Papa Nkechi told u such thing too?"Chinyere: "No, The driver said so."

Madam: "Uhmm......Chi chi baby, Chinyerryerry Chinlosky..come here ehn...Good girl. Abeg no let Oga hear that one. OK...."......Lol

Panda porn and the human race !!

I have a strong interes in the Panda family and the extensive research and effort being made all over the world to increase their population by encouraging them to breed. Pandas are very poor breeders and this is the major reason why it's population is fast dwindling and why it's on the brink of extinction. Scientists and conservationists have become so desperate to save these beautiful creatures with such exotic names as Ling ling, Le Le, Ya ya, etc (I have no idea why they have such chinese names) from going into extinction by going as far as showing the pandas...panda porn, yea hilarious!!! I laughed so much when I read about the "Panda porn" experiment that I felt my ribs aching. Although the episode sounds funny and a bit over the edge, it does offer the prospects of *probably* increasing their sex drives assuming they have similar behavioural patterns as humans. Although, the experiment didn't work out as planned, there is a continued research into increasing their population, and while this continues, I will continue to follow these beautiful and exotic creatures that I have fallen in love with, and perhaps someday, I would have a panda as a pet !!!...lol

As a last word on the panda issue, female pandas can only conceive on three days in a year.....that got me thinking....yes, I'm a great thinker. I sit on a chair and think ALL DAY !!! LOL.

What if men could only have erections on three days in a 365 day period, or women could only be in the mood for sex and conception on 3 days in a 365 day periods as well.......ummh....which technically means that all men and women would have to get partners who fall within the same cycle....else it won't work... and of course i don't think they won't want to "chop the carrot" when they only get 3 days in a year...men, that would be really harsho..so it's got to be MARATHON SEX, ALL THE WAY !!!. LOL!!

It also means that the human race *might* not be so worried about a population explosion, sex offenders, STD's, etc....the list could grow longer. I'm quite sure a lot of people can think up of other benefits ...lol...!!! Wow..how would that be, that would be extremely weird !! I'm going crazy...lol...give me your thots....peace out buddies !!!

Matters arising....

At long last....Omar al-Bashir, the Sudanese president, has accepted a hybrid AU-UN force for Darfur that would hopefully help rein in his fighters. The most modern tragedy of the African continent that has consistently defied any solution, and constantly left a sour taste in the mouths of every individual with even the slightest idea of the atrocities being committed in Darfur might be coming to an end.....I hope. Darfur has become an open wound of the African continent that highlights the constant ineptitude of african leaders to manage or solve problems with in africa, without looking to the outside world for help.

In my opinion, the Darfur massacre could have been averted or perhaps stopped a long time ago, if not for the support that the Sudanese govt. gets from a certain super power, which has consistently threatened to veto any adverse UN security council sanctions on Sudan. Although I do not have so much faith in the UN or its security council which is controlled by a bloc, and where each veto wielding country serves to protect its allies, business partners (Sudan supplies oil to a big wig on the UN bloc), war against terrorism allies (Ethiopia was allowed to buy weapons from North korea, inspite of the sanctions on such sales, because it was going into a war that would benefit a certain country), etc, I still think that this latest development could be a glimmer of hope for the thousands of displaced and terrified people in Darfur. My prayers constantly goes out to them and I hope that the UN/AU force would be on ground as soon as possible to prevent any last onslaught of these innocent and defenceless people. When I reminiscence of what happened to Slobodan Milosevic in Yugoslavia, and how NATO reduced him and stopped the continuous massacre of innocent people in the Europen theatre, I constantly wonder why that couldn't or wouldn't happen in Sudan....well, I guess I know the answer.....the Sudanese govt. has a big brother on the bloc unlike Milosevic at that time, and of course it's Africa !!! They always have too many problems. Peace out!!!

Lost in translation

I was reading an article on how the chinese are trying to translate the names of the foods on their menu from chinese to English in preparation for the Olympic games...which I hope the world would boycott if they don't rein in Omar al-Bashir of sudan, but dat na tory for anoda day. Some of the english translations came out really funny....."ants climbing the tree", "It is small to fry the chicken miscellaneous" ..and the most hilarious was "mixed elbow with garlic mud" . It was so funny as I tried to picture the face of a foreigner in china, who asks for the menu and the first meal is "mixed elbow (or elbows if you ask for two plates) with garlic mud"...very fresh and extra spicy available !!! .lol..But then...I paused to think.What happens when Nigeria hosts something...not the Olympic games sha, since we neva reach dat level yet, unless Bar beach over flows again, then we can host the rowing event, with all the canoes where we get!!..lol....anyway, back to my gist...how do we translate various Nigerian meals from their native names to english; and we have a lot of them...but we dey chop food for niger sha... So I decided to make a list and translate a few I could remember.

Isi-ewu -------- Goat head with the eyes and its teeth grinning before death !! Frightening !!
Nkwobi -------- Ummh, this is difficult .....No idea !! I do need help on this.
Ikpan Kwu Kwu------No idea !!!
Amala ------ No english name, cannot be found in the dictionary
Eba -------- converted from garri.
Garri ------ Obtained from Cassava.
Cassava ----- Ummh., how the hell do you explain this ?
Fura -------- No idea.
Afang -------
Edi Kai Kong -----
404 -------- You're probably better off not knowing...grilled meat..lol

My conclusion, you would need to carry out an extensive research to solve this jigsaw..lol... Yo, but let me know if you have any ethnic dishes, from any part of the world with very very outrageous english translations!!! Peace out !!!