I once had to go to a fast food place in Nigeria a few minutes after me and my brothers had finished thrashing a girl who’d always pretended to be so sophisticated, and yet completely embarrassed herself by asking for “Egg roll” instead of “Scotch eggs”…which kain tin be dat..lol…Anyway, I walked into the fast food place, and just as I was approaching the counter, I started looking at the beautiful smiling face behind it…as I about to place my order, I got all confused….Was it “egg roll” or “Scotch eggs”?…lol...I asked for “Can I get twos egg rolls”…I muttered silently hoping she didn’t hear me clearly…lol..too late! She corrected me,”Oh, you want Scotch eggs”..…yawa !!
I once traveled from Lagos to Abeokuta to visit a girlfriend without informing anyone at home. Deciding to surprise her, I left Lagos without informing her I was coming. Unfortunately for me, by the time I got there, she wasn’t home. Remember, this was long before the advent of GSM in Nigeria and there was no way to communicate with her remotely. What a wasted trip!! So with a heavy heart, I decided to go back to Lagos. By the time I go to the bus park, there were no more buses, and the few buses present had tripled their fares and I didn’t plan for this in spite of all my meticulous planning, apparently fuel had just gone scarce…that’s common in Naija. After standing about three hours hoping, praying for a miracle and when it became apparent that none was happening, I needed to be punished lol…I began to combine crossing and uncrossing my fingers, with cursing…lol…that wasn’t working either…, I finally realized that I had to do something drastic.
I needed to get back to Lagos before my parents realized that I was out of town….hahah, the wahala no go easy..water go pass garri be dat and me I no wan be the garri…lol…. During these few hours, trucks filled with stones (If you know Abeokuta, you’d know they have a lot of rocks, so you’d probably know the trucks I’m referring to) had continuously come by and people had got on the trucks, sitting on the stones…geez...lol..I wasn’t going to do that…well, I changed my mind when I saw this was truly an emergency…lol...I had my heart in my mouth the on entire 2 hr trip and once I got to a very convenient location in Lagos, I came down and walked the rest of the distance home…make peeps no tink say I don become laborer…lol…I would never do that again!!
When I was 15 and had just started driving, I didn’t have a driver’s license in Nigeria. I was driving my home with my brother when we looked and “O ma se o”, there were the infamous “Men in black” (Nigerian police) at a road block up ahead. And as is usual with them, they were stopping, searching, humiliating people and committing the other atrocities that they are known for. Man, there was no way we could go past them without them stopping us…and there was no other way home except that way, I had to think fast, and that I did..lol:
Luckily for us, the traffic was flowing so I confidently drove towards them and just as I was about a few feet from them, I pulled over right infront of them!!…Revved up the car for some time…came down from the car, opened the hood, touched a few things and generally pretended that the car was giving me very serious problems…lol...spent about 10 mins doing that while watching them…lol...after I was convinced that they’d noticed us and our “Major” problems and they were obviously not going to waste our time anymore…I got into the car and drove past them…voila !!..lol..we made it. There was no way they were going to stop us again after all the trouble we’d been through infront of them…hahahahah….ingenious !!
DON’T TRY THIS, IT MIGHT NOT WORK FOR YOU !!